the one with pictures.

I need to wrap up so many photos that it is unreal.

So here is the rest of christmas break, aidan's bday party, corbin's turning 2, and new year's eve shenanigans.

 

 

new year.

another new year's eve has come and gone. 2015 is here and i am ready for it.

i remember, back in 2012, people asking questions about how long we'd be on this journey. right now that answer is "well, this chemo ends in 2016" and that seems so far away.

but, time is always the same. it speeds by without thinking about who is praying it slows down. each day seems like a month. each month seems like a day. 2014 flew by without any sort of remorse for how i felt about its passing.

the beginning of the year started us off with a new baby and a new house. reese started school and all was well. we were in our groove.

february was quiet. miller turned 2. we had company and parties and everything was good. we settled into the new house with corbin and figured we were smooth sailing til the end of chemo.

march had a setback. after not feeling well for a few days - and simply not being herself, i took reese in again - only to be sent to the ICU that night. she was septic. it was so strange and scary being in the ICU again, after so long. but soon, she healed and we went on, almost done with our protocol.

in april i began to think about how we got here. the end of chemo was coming and i was scared. sad. but then excited in the same breath. then finally, at the end of the month - it was over. our protocol was over. 16 months had ended and we were supposed to celebrate. and we did.

may held reese's 4th birthday. she wanted a pink party. and thats what she got.

june held nothing but getting adjusted to this new normal of no school, no chemo, just us being regular ol' people. we had dance recitals and then new classes. school ending and summer beginning.

july was amazing. just... took my breath away. the beginning of the month we spent at the pool and fireworks and just doing things that would make the kids' eyes widen with every moment. then, we went to destin with lighthouse retreats and came back a new family, it seemed. just so, i can't explain it... new. nothing was wrong with the old, but seeing things from a new place was so wonderful.

august, school started again. and this time reese would go walking. shuffling her walker to class (for a bit - soon she wouldnt need it) and spending time w friends. aidan and sawyer, now in 1st and 2nd grade, started a new school. all of their schools have been such a blessing to us. its something that i dont even know how to properly thank for -- but i try.

september, miller started school again. and we had another MRI that said reese was stable. beautiful words that would lead us to...

october's port removal. halloween, our 2 year anniversary of this journey, came and went. parties and costumes and trick or treating.

and november was what it was - just regular. quiet.

december hit, full throttle, and impacted the next year for us. reese's MRI was coming and i could feel in my bones that something wasn't right. and the MRI confirmed my fears. christmas was amazing and now we are here.

but here is where i want to be. any which way it comes - i want to be here.

since christmas, we have been spending time being awesome. we play on the trampoline, we paint, we just cuddle and watch tv, we cook dinners, we run around the house chasing booties ;) we make messes, we are loud. today we even went to the firestation for a tour w wonderful friends.



tomorrow morning, i have to be up at the hospital at 5:30am. 7:30am port placement and then up to clinic for her fist dose of her new chemo, vinblastine. this xmas break has been perfect. just full of laughter and cuddles. full of "mommy... i need a hug" out of no where. the bigs have had sleepovers with wonderful friends, i have laughed w my own.

will update on reese's fb page tomorrow, as the day goes. and on IG: punkfictionv4

bye bye 2012.

i have never been one of those people to wish a year away. with the girls growing up so fast, i hate that each of their birthdays come so quickly and i get teary thinking of how old they are getting. aidan turning six was, like, ::eyepop:: since 6, to me, is just... so old.

2012 started off rough. last january, my parents got into a horrible car accident. and, truly, are only here bc angels were watching them. since then, we found out that the kid had cocaine in his system when he hit them.  you can read, but driving to the hospital after they were loaded into ambulances, was the first time in my life that i sat there and thought "i may lose someone i love..."

i thought it would be the last for a while, honestly. a very long while.

but it wasn't.

2012 had amazing things happen as well. miller was born. [more pics in this blog post]. she completed me. my sweet baby who just... ::swoon:: she is happy all of the time.

i took them out in march for bluebonnet photos --- pics of the 4 of them, finally, but in reality, miller was too young and reese would run down the hill the second i took my eye off of her lol

i watched reese's love for miller grow every day. im not surprised at how amazingly giggly she gets, now, when miller just comes into the room. "NILLERRRR!!!" as reese says... its been like that for so long.

in may, i took a trip to ohio to see some of my BL girls. some of my best friends. i took miller and aidan with me and left with memories for a lifetime. that wkend was an odd one here at home --- reese puked, for no reason, for most of the wkend. we thought it was dairy - which would have been odd. but now it makes me wonder if it was a "sign" of something to come.

may was also reese's 2nd birthday. my funny baby. we had a party where she stole the show with her hilarious faces and 'tude. and i took her out for photos with the one thing she loves more than anything --- her "laylee"

june brought the heat. the horrible heat. we cooled off by the pool. reese [look how tiny she is hereeee!!!] stole chips -- liiiike she likes to do ;) and we had such a hilarious time tossing her into the water.

4th of july was a ton of fun - we went to the parade and then went and watched fireworks. i got them all decked out in coordinating outfits (lol), like i do, and couldnt wait to see their reaction.

sawyer also turned 4 in july. ohhh sawyer. my sneaky, sassy troublemaker. i think she thinks she is 16. that blog entry also has one of the most hilarious pics of reese everrrr on it.

we lived up august like it was meant to be --- winding down and just relaxing. having fun before school started again.

but, of course, that came to an end for aidan was she went to kindergarden. :cry: the most bittersweet day ever. she is thriving so much in K. she reads, she gets awards, she is a leader... the teacher adores her... she is just so happy.

aidan and sawyer both started dance this year, as well. aidan is really good. truly. watching her really makes me so proud. sawyer makes me proud for other reasons ;) she is so quirky and funny. and just loves to shake it - no matter what anyone else is doing haha

sawyer and reese started preschool in september. for sawyer, this was old hat - her 3rd year at this school. she's a social butterfly now and i just cant believe how amazingly she has grown in that way over the past year. she used to cry when i left, but this year - no way. for reese, this was her first year  - and it was not going as the other's did. reese, unsurprisingly, just wanted to be left alone to do her own thing ;) ironically enough, the day before we found out about her brain tumor, i had talked to the school about just pulling her out for a while. she had been so sick and missed so many days... i didnt want to just drop her off to a place she didnt know that well....

we also went to the plano balloon festival in september. from sept 2011 to the day we went in 2012, aidan and sawyer talked about the 2011 PBF. they just adored it. it was magical to them. so we couldnt wait to take them again this year... and next.

october brought more of the daily grind. which was fine by me. until reese started to get sicker. she'd get better for a few days and we'd go back to being the silly skelte 6 that we have always been.  and then.. bam... something else. when we went to the pumpkin patch, she just seemed so tired... little did we know, right?


....and now we're caught up. caught up to where we were hit with the worst news possible. caught up to where i felt that "lost" feeling.

but those arent my only feelings about the past few months. i felt love. true, unconditional love. i felt support. i felt faith.

"for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" -- Jeremiah 29:11

^^^ that verse has been written to me a hundred times over the past few months. and each time i am grateful. then last night before i went to bed, it was baylor university's facebook status for the new year [sic 'em]. of course it was --- bc its exactly what i need to remember in 2013.

i will wrap up with some weekend IGs [punkfictionv4]. reese came home after an long wkend for her first in-patient chemo.