who i was that instant.

i don't know why i took this picture. or what makes me compelled to show it to you now. this was november 1, 2012, i believe. namely by the shirt. by the no make up. the way my hair looks. and when i look at the image order, it can't be any later than the 2nd. i wish i could see what time i took this. in the light of the ICU communal bathroom, it could be any time of day or night. no one up on C11 feels the need to care about time, though, really. it all just blends together in waves of tears or smiles.

reese has carried around our old iPhone3 for a while, but we haven't been able to charge it up since that was the reason i got a new phone the day after christmas 2012. but today, it charged. i had not really even thought about what was on it. sawyer said something about "which baby is this...?" when looking and i realized that there were images i never shared, don't remember. videos that instagram didn't have the capability of sending out to thousands of people, back then. videos that only i saw. or that EJ had sent me and i saved to my phone.

i don't really remember reese the way she looked in most of these photos. i don't really remember myself this way. part of those first 48 hours are etched into my brain vividly, but the other parts just weave through my memory like a cloud  sometimes heavy, sometimes light. i looked at the photos from september... october... reese younger than miller is now. so different. she had no words, really. a few, but nothing that stood out. maybe a phrase or two. she didn't look completely healthy, but not sick. sort of distant, i guess, in some photos. i saw photos in november of her head swelling up top, the a dozen neurosurgeons surrounding her bed, her own private entourage. i saw photos of being at home with her sisters in december 2012 - photos too blurry to post on IG, but still too amazing to delete. videos of sisters saying "hi" to reese and of stacking blocks on the floor.

more than two years later, it seems as if we are such different people, but we're not, really. each sister the same personality as they were. each relationship entwined together by a common string.

some days, i still feel like that girl in the photo above. i feel like I'm drowning in worry. like tears could wipe away my makeup of the day. so empty.

but that is not often. i am more often completely filled. yet there are times when bits and pieces of myself are torn away, some days, when i read about others' chemo not working, about sweet babies passing away after following for months or years.  in that instant, my heart could be ripped from my chest from sadness, from worry and fear.

reese's first vinblastine MRI is in about 2 weeks. march 3. which means for the next two weeks, ill think her shoe catching on the carpet means she can't walk well anymore. i'll think her dropping something means her bad arm isn't working. i'll be continually researching what the next thing may be - all the while, hoping that the next thing is just staying with what we are doing. and praying that it works. i want to hear the words "well, good news!" the second that the oncologist walks through the door into the treatment room - or when i pick up my cell later that day. whichever the case may be.

that photo was me for that second. i wanted to remember what grief looks like. what a mother who was only recently told "she has a brain tumor" looks like. but its amazing how it is not me 2 years later. different pieces make up the puzzle. different strings weave the days together.

this is me and reese now. i can't look at my life, daily, and not smile. i've always felt blessed. felt as if God has given me the world with my family, but that feeling compounds everyday. i pray my days are always filled with photos like this one.



IG: www.instagram.com/theskelteseven

better today.

im sitting down after re-heating my 2pm coffee, three times, so far. there's no school today because its president's day. i have cuddled on the couch while watching thomas, taken reese to PT, gone to the store with the others, let them play outside, i have prepped dinner, i made oatmeal and fruit breakfast bars. i have emptied the dishes from last night, re-loaded, and washed the dishes again. i started the laundry (re) ran the dryer, and swapped it again.

plans for the rest of the day include finishing naps and then going to aidan and sawyer's dance classes. then actually cooking dinner.

i only say this to explain to you that i am trying to get things done without stressing. without yelling at kids who aren't listening. and without guilt. i am trying to have a better today.

sometimes the guilt is deep down where i can't feel it, but sometimes its right at the surface and appear with tears down my cheeks.

i have guilt that i will do something today that i will regret later. that if something happened to reese, i will think to myself "i wish i didnt tell her she couldnt have ____ that one day. what was the point in that? why did i care?" the answer is because she is a 3 year old who needs boundaries. we've been told, up front, by doctors to treat her as "normal" as we can. i have guilt that because someone else needed something, another kid is wondering why i tended to that child first. when in reality, i make an effort to make sure that rarely happens. or i try to talk to the other child, afterward. i have haunting thoughts on good days that we may lose those days all too quickly. i feel guilty for sometimes being stressed and wanting to spend evenings, in quiet, alone, after spending an entire day answering questions from children 7 and under. after chatting about nothing adult-like. after being so touched-out, that i just want to sit in a bubble for a few minutes.

the guilt is opposed by appreciation. appreciation for my 4 perfectly healthy kids. appreciation for every day i spend with all 5 of them, together and the 7 of us, as a family. appreciation for reese's health and for what she has, so far, overcome. appreciation for being able to stay at home with them, every day.

sometimes i want someone to just tell me how to feel.

but instead, i end up stressed about things i can't control. i try to win a waging war of my emotions and direct them to a certain feeling. i cant feasibly do it, but i try. i get sad about things that haven't even happened, but possibility can sometimes beat out probability in the mind of a mother whose child is sick.

i love reading other bloggers' journeys, but this week was especially hard. two children became angels. i was reminded with abby's family (as i was with phoebe's) that sometimes there's nothing more a doctor can do - so you have to wait and soak in as much as you possibly can, when you can. jennifer's family reminded me of the horrible questions that some mothers have to ask themselves. i'd read and ask myself the same things she did --- "would i keep all of reese's laylees if she died?" "what would she wear?" other questions that i dont even want to type [but you can read them on her blog]... then, hurriedly, id click off the screen and come back to finish reading the blog later. no one should have to wonder those things.

when i feel like reese is doing awesome, and some days i just want to shout on the rooftops "she will be healed! i know it!", i am knocked down by some sort of symbolic punch in the gut that says "you never know..."

if im being honest, i should have felt those "fleeting moment feelings", more often, long before reese was dx. but sadly, its hard to feel emotions about having things possibly taken away, without your life coming to the edge for a bit... then slowly backing off the edge into some sort of normal that resembles your previous life. only at that point, does it seem, that people start embracing every day.

no one told me that i would be flip flopping between those happy feelings and, then, negative feelings, along the road. sometimes i resent how busy i am and that no one around me truly "gets it". then i feel selfish for even saying that. everyone is busy. they have their own "busy" and who am i to say that they don't "get it".  who cares how busy i am, anyway? i am doing it because i love my family and my kids, who are happy. i also don't really want anyone around me to understand this as well as i do.

im writing this because i finally broke down. i asked EJ to help me. none of how i feel can be fixed with someone watching the kids or cooking dinner or helping with anything else. only i can fix it. and so today i tried to do that.

i am planning for things to help the house run more smoothly. i prepped dinner early so we wouldnt have a stressful "oh damn, dinner isnt ready" evening after dance. i even got the ingredients for a meal EJ has been wanting me to make for a while - and im excited to try new recipes. our new plan is to eat out a lot less - and this past week, we have been doing great at it. i just dont want to wander away from this concept right away. i am choosing to wake up earlier, from now on, so i get things done before the kids wake up. i hate sending kids off to school, in a rush, because we didn't get up early enough and then didn't have time to just coast through the morning. i want to spend time together without me having to be on them the entire time, coercing them to the next item on their "to-do" list. teeth brushed, eat your food, did you grab a snack... i don't want to get in the car and then finally take a breath. i want to breathe with them.

i relaxed. this is always a work in progress - as i am 1. extremely laid back and conversely 2. easily stressed. all within the same period of time. today i realized everyone could watch movies while i cooked, and then, do naps later. today i remembered that everyone loves to  help cook - so come on in! i unclenched while cooking, about the mess. and just cleaned it up at the end. i fed corbin on the couch and let the other 4 mess up my living room, knowing i could just have them help me clean it later, instead of micro-managing how much they brought out.

i'm not getting mad. sometimes i feel as if i shouldnt give the kids any leeway because then they'll take advantage - and with 5, that can't happen. i used to not think anything like this, yet as our schedules became more demanding and they got older and became ridden with more attitude, i thought it may help. but today, they showed me a valuable lesson: if you give them space, they can breathe - and make better choices. i have had some awesome helpers today, little amounts of whining, and more smiles and all i have done is said "yes" to a few minor things. they arent "getting whatever they want", but i tried not saying no to things i usually did that were based on principle. and we've all been a lot happier.

im also going to forgive myself, when i do feel angry. brush off and start again. no one is perfect.

i was woken up today by a 32lb bald kitty cat, named reese, meowing and kissing my face. thats all i need to think about. today is all that's important.

we arent guaranteed tomorrow. or even an hour from now. so, instead of hurrying to and through schools, events, doctors, i am going to try to slow down and change each moment and make more deliberate decisions based on how everyone feels about it and less "how can i make this easiest for me", because in the end, everyone happy IS what is easiest for us all. i started to become someone i wasnt. so hopefully this will bring me a heck of a lot closer to the few pieces that i miss from the old-normal.

and for today, i am shouting "reese is doing awesome!!" and i won't feel punched in the gut with the alternate possibilities. i will feel confident in doctors and prayer.

the beach.

a few weeks ago we made the joke "lets just get in the car and go...." but of course thats almost impossible. packing, getting ready, planning around chemo and counts....

this wkend it was perfect. literally, perfect. last week we decided to go ahead and book a room for galveston. i have wanted to take them to the beach for so.dang.long. knowing they would love it. but pieces never came together. i always had a shoot or something for the kids here... but this wkend? we were good to go.

after finally finding a hotel that wouldn't make us book 2 rooms for 4 kids (lol geez!), i started packing - multiple bathing suits, every sundress in the house (yeah for one weekend...), doing laundry galore, setting it all up in rows by the back door to put into the car - only then to realize we needed a trailer tray thing on the back of the suburban bc we wouldnt fit it all in haha

ej worked a full day on friday so we left town at about 730pm? it was perfect. after traffic, but then the girls fell asleep for most of the trip. we got to hotel galvez at like, oh 1am? we had a few stops on the way -- changing diapers, potty for the bigs, more drinks, filling bottles (luckily i had a fridge in the car so we had milk, juice, snacks, etc. available all wkend without having to buy that!)... and getting out just to run around. or cry bc it was late. whatever ;)

we get in and the girls jump around on the hotel bed. we had 2 ideas for set ups - 1. two queens or whatever, but then i figured A and S would either BOTH have to sleep with one adult in one (while another adult and reese was in the other) or they'd fight about it somehow. 2. one king and we all bunk up however we want, but bring sleeping bags. miller in pack n play, either way.

we chose option 2 and it was perfect. we are a bunk up kinda fam so night one - A and S made pallets on the floor by our bed and night two, sawyer slept on the bed with us, too. it all worked perfectly.



we didn't wake up til 9:30am or so on saturday morning. so we were well rested and ready for the beach. outside looked miserable, though. :( cloudy and spurts of rain, but i got them dressed and packed up for the beach - rain or shine - it was happening. we grabbed some breakfast and headed down to a spot right by the hotel.

sawyer ran in first (*this* image is a cloud overlay. you'll see how dreary the sky actually was in a min - this and the jumping A and S one are the only cloud overlays. the rest in the whole blog is natural sky)



then went aidan, with her.



see how foggy some of these are? my lens was so fogged up from humidity, but after several mins of waiting to adjust, it kinda looks cool lol



we set up our beach tent from the elements and reese watched, at first.



miller played. she loved the free reign.


it started to sun up!! and all the kids went to play in the castle making sand!


EJ tried to get a pic of me and the girls. oh geez.


we went in for naps - after lots of showering. haha tossing suits off, rinsing them, hanging, cleaning bodies with sand... the girls said they had "itches in their britches" LOL

then miller and reese fell asleep immediately while aidan and sawyer went with EJ to grab some lunch. we woke up and got ready for pleasure pier.


teacups for A and S.


then it was LOG RIDE time!! haha ok so i am showing the far away pic and then the close up of their faces on the first two. oh aidan lmao


i waited for a long time with R and M and they ate and played.


there was no line for the BIG rollercoaster so EJ ran up and through it and we hung out on the pier.


carousel time. again. they did it first thing when we walked in, too.


we went back to the hotel by about 8-830pm? EJ then took aidan and sawyer down for a night swim at the pool and i played in the room with miller and reese - then put them to bed. we all went to sleep easily saturday night, as well. it really was an ideal set up.

i woke up early on sun bc EJ sneaked down the night before and got me an appt for a massage at the spa!!


sunday morning -- (humid as hell as you can see from the cloudy lens on this first pic), we went down to the beach one more time. it was sunny, but a storm was rolling in...


i teared up so many times. i just kept thinking what an amazing time we were having. everyone was happy, kept saying "this is the best day ever", we werent stressed - just doing our thing and having fun. i am lucky to have a husband who is as go-with-the-flow as i am. we just move from thing to thing rolling along, packing up a hundred items, getting each kid lathered with sunscreen like an assembly line, tossing in and out of the shower, picking up where the other needs help.... in 2 weeks we'll have been married for 6 years. and knowing each other for 8 years. and 6.5 of those years have been with kids - and thats just how we function, i guess.


we did a late check out - so we showered, re-packed the car, and then drove around galveston for a few (wanted to show the kids the huge cruise ships haha) - then we drove out of town. R and M already asleep in the car...

got home, unpacked, all in bed - and today is back to "normal". swim lessons for aidan, sawyer has her kindy pre-eval thing this afternoon, dance for both at 5pm. this week we have chemo starting tomorrow... so prayers that it all goes as "easy" as it can go.

people liked reese's bald head - likely wondering what happened with that badass scar. they watched her laugh with her sisters and try desperately to walk while i guided her to stand, so she could play exactly how they were. she was such a normal 3 year old - and the giggles and love from the skelte girls towards each other seemed to draw points and eyes - and endearing smiles of care and curiosity.

because every day normal is awesome, too. its not even "new normal" anymore... it's just normal.

holy catch up.

I hate not keeping up with blogging.

But i also love that we are so busy doing normal things that i dont have time ;)

this entry is full of fun. starting off with relay for life.

yet again, dancer strong and their family went above and beyond in reese's name. they had a walk team, raised money for RFL -- and reese got a medal (which she adores haha), we walked the survivor's lap, and met new friends while laughing all night with the old ones. such an amazing night.  everyone rocked their gingerfight tees and i teared up all night over the love.

and then there was just hanging out -- the park after sawyer's soccer practice with miller made me giggle.


one morning aidan said she made reese breakfast.
um. this is not breakfast.
but look how happy reese is.


one night we decided to pack up and head to the splash park/sand beach one night. it was so fun. miller freaked out in excitement (and, uh, stood on her head 100 times lol) over the water. reese liked the sand more.


photography tidbit: these next two are with the sun facing them. it twitches me out to do that, but i was too lazy to flip around til later. but you can see the difference.


at 7pm, they had a water show -- and you'll see the girls' reactions to that! they were amazed.


swoon.