the weight.

sometimes when i am driving, i think of something horrible and i can't breathe. my chest feels heavy and then sometimes i cry… to release. sometimes i don't.

i have spent the past few days staring at her eyes, wondering if bad arm is still going good, making sure she is walking normally.

its exhausting. 

i have no one to blame but myself, i suppose. i do it when things are going well. its like perceived reality slaps me in the face. not actual reality, of course - because everything has been so amazing lately.

last week, for the first time i can remember, i was able to carry corbin in her bucket seat and walk next to reese into lunch.  i can't carry the bucket AND reese. but this time we didnt have to go through the drive-through. we got to walk in, sit down, and eat lunch together. it was wonderful.

we are at that point in the year that starts to get crazy. dance recital is at the end of the month, school is ending (and as for M, already), i have been trying to go to the gym in the mornings as much as i can. reese goes to school every morning, minus tuesdays, which are labs. tomorrow she has labs from her port - which we havent accessed since the last chemo.


…tuesday would have been another chemo. but it won't be. it'll be labs.

and then i'll worry again. in between the shrieking giggles. the meow-meows. the surprise kisses on the cheek when i get her out of the car. the running in place that she does by moving her arms really fast. wanting to "cook eggs!!" with me every day. staying awake from nap until i lay her on my chest and she can't resist a quick sleep.


all of those moments - make every chest pounding fear subside. eventually.

pray that i relax. please. pray that every day is only better and better.