reese's FDOS.

sometimes when we put reese to bed, she lays down and pops back up when we leave the room. she'll sit and play with her "measure" and bags and things until she finally wants more ice water.

"moommyyyyy!!!"

ill go in, she'll tell me that she's been cuddling with "mommy's laylee!!" i jokingly scold her bc that's MINE! and we laugh.

"i wan' cuddle mommy!"

we cuddle. she rubs my face or trails a spider, with her fingers, up my arm until i squish it dead. ;) i rub her fuzzy head and tell her i love her and ask "you love your mommy?" ::she nods:: "good bc i love my reesey".

sometimes i fall asleep. sometimes i sing our song. sometimes i cry.

sometimes bc i am genuinely overwhelmed with love for her. i just feel so blessed to be her mom that the tears come. and sometimes its out of "what if… " worry and fear.

i wanted her to go to school, originally, because i knew she'd love it. i knew she was in good hands.

but they weren't my hands. and i was really worried about it all.

i knew id miss those "reese-only" hours while miller is at school (well, corbin with us, too). i knew id miss reese and miller thurs and fri mornings, before nap, where they sit in their diapers on the couch and cuddle in 10 blankets and watch nick jr on demand. (bubble guppies and umizoomi are hits right now)… and i was right.  miller asked a few times each morning "where reesey?!"

yet, i cant deny the amazingness of the past few days, for reese. she has been, physically, doing things more often that she hadnt since the hospital in december - like standing up by things again, walking with me… etc. and she loved school. she said she had fun. the first day i took her in. she had told me the night before, "mommy stay at school?" and i was worried. but we put her in a chair, introduced her to new friends and that was that… i left. her face looks a bit nervous at first, but then she relaxed. they sent me a video and 2 photos on the first day - where i smiled with tears in my eyes, seeing how much fun she was having.



the second and third day, they came to the car to get her and put her in a wagon and take her to class. and she went, willingly and happily. i felt so at ease. i was so happy she didnt cry.

i think a small part of me feels guilty that she goes to school. that she isnt with me all day. but then, again, id feel just as guilty keeping her home knowing she would excel in all of her weaknesses, at school.

so at night, when she calls me into the room for the 15th time before 10pm, that sneaky look in her eye that then softens into love when she sees me… i cave on anything. now i just bring corbin in with me, if i need to. reese rubs her and kisses her head. "corbin sit on my lap?" "on bad arm?" she loves her so. the other day we were laughing so hard bc corbin was sleeping weird and had one of her arms up in the air, almost, hand bent. "reese!!! corbin looks like she has a bad arm!!" her eyes lit up and she tossed her bad arm into the air and laughed with us. aidan and sawyer thought it was so funny, as well. its the small things… ha.


tonight reese asked me to stay in bed. i did. we curled up on her unicorn pillow pet, forehead to forehead, until she fell asleep. tonight was a night i cried. MRI tomorrow. and while we had one a month ago and her tumor was shrinking, we are just double checking it all since her infection was so strange. but i still worry. and my mind wanders to places that i hate.

she'll be back to school on wednesday (assuming counts are okay on labs on tues) and i will again watch the clock til 10:30am when i go pick her up. they bring her to the pick up line in a wagon with allllll of her things (you can only imagine… lol) and i toss her into the car and hear her raves and complaints. "they dont have ice…" sorry babe, you can just drink water, plain? "i hate water." i laughed so hard. but then she said hi to miller and corbin, showed me her library book, and said she had a good day. and my heart was complete.

(now an IG dump. punkfictionv4)