massive recap.

Last night, every move reese made in bed, I watched and wondered. I would flip over to face her when she sighed in her sleep. I sat awake listening and enjoying her breaths. I have no reason that I did any of this except that she has an MRI tomorrow and worry overcomes me at times.

Today I sent her off for her first field trip. She has on her spirit shirt, a sassy skirt, and a set of pigtail floppy buns. I made her a sack lunch and heard her squeal each time we mentioned the big school bus she'll ride on.

I have so many things I need to write out. I did talk about the amazing photography retreat wkend here in town, I haven't talked about the hilarious soccer games that reese has played in, I never blogged bluebonnet pics, Sawyer had a field trip and I got to go and it was so fun just a day with her, she also cut off a ton of her hair and now has a shoulder length bob, we had 2 E.R. trips with fever for Reese, EJs family came into town, aidan had at least 1 dance competition since I last posted - maybe 2. we were sent to great wolf lodge for an amazing night, and, of course, the amazing children's cancer fund gala was this wkend.

So many of these photos are on instagram where they will have to stay because of time. I have spent the past month or more studying for the social studies 7-12th content test (took last week) that I am waiting for a score on. It was hard - and I studied morning and afternoon for so many weeks. I wanted, so many times, to just push it all away and sit and write, but then that would make me stressed out --- but here I am, after, tense because I didn't do it.

The gala ^ oh the gala. In the weeks leading up we have had interviews and videos and been in the paper. Reese's sweet face and story was on the invitation and so many people got to know her. The night of the gala, I dropped her off to a room of fun and set off on a night with EJ. We laughed with friends and ate delicious food and drank copious amounts of wine and then finally it was fashion show time. Reese walked down the runway like a nervous and sweet pro, but then posed her cute little self at the end. She ran down and I got to shower her with kisses... her curled hair, her make up, her dress... it was all so much. What a wonderful evening that I cannot wait to do again next year as alumni.

I don't know if just the entire weekend sort of shook me? or what. But I am just ready to get the MRI over with. Reese, of course, is so excited for "bubblegum" (what she calls the MRI) and I am going to take her lead of confidence.

And I am taking a vow for as close to weekly posts as I can - for myself, I need these times to write and places to put pics and to stop for a minute and just breathe.

another 3 months.

we're almost at another 3 months. another MRI. more sleepless nights worrying about "what if" scenarios. bad dreams. so that is coming on wednesday morning.

we don't have an appt after so i guess we just... go home. which blows. in my head i have 4 scenarios.

1. call quick bc its an easy call of "looks good!!"
2. call quick bc its something horrible.
3. call late bc its an easy call to do at end of day.
4. call late bc they had to talk to 3 other drs about something horrible.

so. i cant even guess. lol

in any event, reese feels good. ornery as ever. funnier by the day. choosing to use her bad hand, regularly.

i need this MRI to be awesome. obviously bc i want reese to not have a tumor in her head. that goes without saying. but now its been a year (almost) since diagnosis. 1 year. we won't have another MRI til january so this scan takes us through the holidays.... through halloween costumes and events, through thanksgiving NOT at the hospital, through having our 5th baby, through xmas and the new year...

and every scan is just one step closer to being done, eventually. and i want to be able to cheer when chemo is coming to an end. not dread it.

so i guess all of this is to say - prayers please :) i know we have some amazing warriors out there. and i appreciate every single person.

on some high notes - this past wkend, we had the privilege of going to great wolf lodge with Carson's Crusaders. aidan, sawyer, and reese went and whoa, did they have fun!! it was such a blessing and a treat to hang out with other parents/siblings of patients and see them all have a good time.

it was so well done and fun and... i am glad we had the opportunity to share this wkend with such amazing people. thank you CCF for such a wonderful time.

this past week, we also had chemo - although things went a bit, erm, differently. as i was packing the kids up for where they'd be sleeping on tuesday night, for extra currics, etc... i got a call. when i see 214-456-xxxx that means hospital and i KNEW that meant there wouldnt be a bed for us to stay overnight like we normally would. but it was worse than that - they didnt know WHEN we'd get a bed. ugh. its incredibly sad and overwhelming to think that so many children needed to be in the hospital for chemo last week that some kids couldnt stay like normal. but lucky for us, they had a plan.

they told us to come in tues for labs/dr appt (we see the onc to chat, etc "officially" once a month. we see him more than that, but thats our official time). then wednesday, i took reese in early and we went to the day hospital/infusion area. we did her chemo and THEN they sent us *home*... where we finished fluids. she has a fluids/mesna mix that she has for 12 hours after chemo (mesna clears out the bladder so chemo doesnt ruin it) - and we were able to stay accessed, have home health get us a pump/meds, and we were on our way!

part of it was nice... being at home and not at the hospital is, overall, glorious. doing laundry all night bc chemo makes for a pukey time is not ;)

i had a bit of ::twitch:: when leaving bc they mixed her mesna in .45 saline and not .675 saline (i wanted more sodium in it), but after the onc calling me and talking me down (lol), he was right, it all went fine. we are, basically, treating her as if DI is a thing of the past - which it has been. we havent done DDAVP since march? and really havent had problems. i dont know what that means besides "what a miracle", but ill take it.


i have wanted to write a blog all week, but kept putting it off bc i didnt know how to talk about one thing.... phoebe. that sweet girl became an angel on oct 5th at 10:30pm. i woke up on the 6th, looked on facebook and burst into tears, sitting in my bed... how unfair.  but phoebe changed tens of thousands of lives. she taught people how to smile in the darkest of days. amey and nathan taught everyone around them about what true faith is. none of what im saying takes the pain away. none of that brings a baby back to her family. :( but i am asking you all to remember the Fair family in your prayers from now on. they have 3 other children that miss their sister.  so with that, you have a few prayers to say ;) and i just want to say that after a year... i still appreciate and love every single letter, postcard (omg wait til you see the book when i am done), treat, and prayer. there is not a day that goes by that i don't realize how blessed i am.