and now it is 2017.

This is exactly what I didn't want to do - have months of catch up, months fly by with nothing to say, but I guess this is also the exact situation I want to be in... a boring normal life.

I started 2017 with one goal: to say no. I want to do things that I feel is enriching us all as a family. I want to sit at home and read books instead of finding a sitter to hang out with friends. I want to eat at home more, use the time we have leisurely instead of rushing everyone to bed. I like when A and S get home at night and I let them freely spend the rest of their evening just chatting instead of having to do a ton of work. I am saying yes to photography that I really want to do, I am saying yes to sitting on my couch with best friends and wine, I am saying yes to people who I see as actually adding value to my life. But I have spent years and years "knowing everyone" and realized recently that everyone does not know me how I would like friends to actually know me. So far it is working out seamlessly. I actually have date nights with friends and their kids - and get to see my kids light up WITH me. It really is such a joy.

I have always had this "fear of missing out" gene in my body. Or a guilt that people will be like "where's amanda" but it isn't even necessary lol How narcissistic to think that, honestly. No one cares and that is okay. And the ones who DO care, understand. I am still spending time with friends that I adore, but its just on the best terms ever.

Reese started her Dabrafenib and we are almost at 3 months taking it now, morning and night. She has no side effects really - maybe the weird skin on her feet and fingers, but that is it. Her MRI is in 2 weeks and I am honestly excited to see it. She feels good, looks good. I am hoping for miracles.

Holidays came and went, of course. Thanksgiving, Christmas, family and fun. The pictures will tell the stories in itself. EJ was home all break and so we really got to spend a lot of quality time hanging out and just being lazy together. We had the CCBD christmas party, performed at "home for the holidays" in downtown mckinney, and then, all of a sudden, Aidan turned 10 and Corbin turned 3. And all my babies became official preschool age and it was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Our family, as a whole, is growing up. A child in double digits seems insane to me. Just as insane as it is to not have a baby to tote around. How did we get here so quickly.

Aidan and Sawyer had two separate dance conventions and competitions. While dance takes up a lot of time, seeing their eyes light up, the smiles on their faces, everything, when they are on stage, makes it all worth it. They truly love it and that to me makes it easy to drive them around everywhere lol The studio is doing "Annie" this year as the spring recital/production and Aidan gets to be Annie --- and I will likely melt into a pride induced puddle on the floor when I see it the first time. She works so hard and it is going to be an amazing spring.

I also started a 365 for this year and it has been seriously amazing for me. I wanted to pick up my camera more and now with starting a Facebook page about it, everyone is joining me and it seriously is such a huge motivation. Years ago, when I did a 365 for a few years in a row, I realized that there was beauty in the monotonous. I have spent years, now, finding beauty in the busy. But now that we are somewhat boring again (lol), it has been so wonderful to document such normal things. Most people know that lifestyle photography is where my heart lies - but it does so, first, at my own home.

Here are my first 16 days, plus some in december. Which you can follow along with these (and others) on instagram, of course.

 

december.

December is such an interesting paradox. We run around finishing buying gifts for people we love, all while filling our cart with things we are also supposed to buy out of commitment. We make plans with family and friends and then stress out when those days come and we are expected to be somewhere at a specific time. We cannot wait until its christmas break and school is out and we can be on no schedule, but then we have no schedule and whole days are spent watching TV or, conversely, running around town finishing errands all day and coming home and having no time left for the fun you thought you were going to have. 

This was the first christmas since 2011 that we weren't medically stressed. 2012 we had just gotten home from Reese's second resection and knew that the next chemo we'd start in Jan 2013 *had* to work. We had heard Dec 2012 that if Reese didn't have that surgery "she'd maybe have 2 months..."

December 2013 hit us with some sort of brain infection. Infectious disease called it meningitis, even though R never tested positive. I think it is written down as encephalitis, as well.  We got home on the 23rd, gave birth to Corbin on the 26th, and each day for 2 weeks was filled with 24 hour port antibiotics. 

2014 was strange. Reese had been off treatment since the April prior, and we had an MRI on Dec 15. That MRI told us that her tumor had grown and we'd be starting chemo again in Jan. There was just a cloud that hung over everything. 

Having a medically sensitive child - a child whose life seems to hang in the balance of the next scan or test or anything.... holidays are stressful. There is a huge weight on my shoulders of doing everything perfectly because "what if...". Inevitably that is not how things go. Perfect plans do not pan out the way you think they will - and that is because that's how life is. Every day is full of surprises that kick plans to the curb, but still, most moves that I make require me to decide if this is what I would want to do if something terrible was to happen. 

Depressing, right?

But it is not, it is just slightly meticulous. At this point, all of this planning and failing and breathing and reacting and hoping and letting go is a cycle of normalcy for me. I have a tiny badge of appreciation for the holidays and everything that comes with it - because I am honored to have even the stressful moments with this crew of crazy. 

The messes in the living room, the make up stained lips and raccoon eye shadowed lids, the crying about being bored, and the begging to not come inside off of the trampoline, it all balances out when Miller says to me "lets have mom and Miller cuddle time" or when Reese says "can I ask you my question?" and it isn't a question, but she is telling me again, for the 37th time that day, that she loves me. It is worth it when Corbin tries to hang on me all of the daylight hours because, when she goes to bed, I am grateful that she still wants to hang on me. I feel like I can breathe when Sawyer still asks for a hug and a kiss before she goes to sleep - no matter how angry or what kind of fit she had minutes earlier. And, of course, when my freshly turned 9 year old still wants me to crawl into her bed to talk about the day - it can be a whole story of 3rd grade drama or telling me jokes that she read. 

December reminds me that it is okay. 

I tried, desperately, to remind myself that all is okay when Miller woke me up at 4:30am with a princess sofia dress that was previously wrapped and under the tree. She was thrilled to have it, of course, even though it was 4 hours earlier than I had hoped she would receive it. Sawyer had gone down to open a third of her gifts at 4am and then rounded up Miller and Reese to come down and do some of the same. Is it funny, now? yes. Was it funny, then? no. I was heartbroken, honestly. I went out at 9:30pm on Christmas eve to get a few final items and I didn't even get to see some of the overjoyed faces that I had hoped for. But it was done and to them, it was sneaky and magical. So I had to breathe, grit my teeth, and remember that every well thought out plan can capsize at any time. But, hey, it didn't ruin Christmas morning in the least. 

It has been in the 70's lately and so we have spent a lot of time outside. Christmas was no different. The kids opened presents with just us, then played outside and with their toys all morning, until the rest of the family arrived for the second round of the day. We ate delicious snacks and didn't stress about a big lunch/dinner that no one would have room for. We went to the park in the late afternoon and play with friends and went to bed as early as our tired bodies would let us. 

I want to spend the next week with EJ here doing things around the house - organizing, purging, getting ready for 2016. Of course these are the same resolutions that everyone seems to have right now, but I am okay with jumping on the bandwagon.

Take the good with the bad, the love with the heartbreak, and the hope with the failures. Make 2016 a year of hearts filled with joy. Real, pure joy. 

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