october.

We are coming up on 3 years. In 3 years we have been diagnosed with a brain tumor, had 2 brain surgeries, started chemo, failed chemo, started another chemo, spent 17 months with hair loss, low counts, and fevers. We have spent 8 months stable without chemo and then jumped back on to chemo. We have had another baby, laughed until our bellies hurt, cried until we fell asleep from exhaustion mixed with fear. We have fought for our children, fought for ourselves, fought for our family.

But that isn't what october should remind me of. October should be full of pumpkin spiced lattes and leggings and mindless chat with friends. October should be all of these photos without "there's an MRI coming" behind it. October 27th at 8am is our next MRI. As if that week isn't stressful enough thinking about "diagnosis day" on halloween...

I have spent the past weeks researching and deciding on plans if vinblastine wasn't cutting it anymore. I really have no reason to believe that it is not, but I don't want to be in some situation where I my head is spinning with "what to do!"

I already know what we'd do. There is peace is knowing the unknown. There is a calming effect that happens if you hear bad news, but already know the next step.

October is full of pain for me, as I look at photos from 2012. I will see reese sick... her in the ER... her home, but so so tired and vomiting non stop. I feel stupid for not know what was going on and naive for knowing something was obviously wrong, but not being able to figure it out.

But then I have weeks like this... weeks where everything is just how it's supposed to be. Weeks where we do our daily adventures and ride our bikes outside - where we literally stop to smell flowers. That is what October should be about.

4th of july weekend.

what a fun weekend.

since the last MRI, i have had more times of peace… fun. happiness. and less time spent watching eyes and worrying about the future. 

we did the regular 4th of july things. we went to the parade, swimming, hanging out with friends. it was a fabulous time.

***this first set of pics are with the underwater point and shoot - hence the reason they are a bit soft lol. and generally not as good. but let me tell you - nothing is more freeing than not checking your bag 100x for fear you lost your big girl camera ;)

i have tried to be in the pics, lately. even just selfies that make my kids laugh.

hope you noticed miller's ear protection ;) she does not like loud noises at all - so this helped a ton.

***the pics from here on out are DSLR pics.

we set up camp, like we have for the past few years, only a new location. we turned on music, got out food, and waited for the city of mckinney to light up the sky.




then last night, my sweet aidan rode a 2 wheeler. all by herself. she is so "safe". riding without training wheels is a huge deal for everyone, but its taken a long time for her to gain the confidence.

but now… NOW she is a rockstar on a bike!




today we had no plans. we got moving late, we went to grab some things for the beach next week, and then came home for nap time. at some point today we decided to go to the lake.

what a good decision it was.

we were not there long, but its such a short trip that all the giggles make the prep worth it.




as you can see, miller decided to take her bathing suit off. and she did, in fact, have panties on underneath because… why not, right?

i like to write these posts. i like to write posts that aren't filled with sadness. or medical terminology.

that being said, i am pretty sure i accidentally scheduled her port flush for next week and i need to change that to this week. tuesday.

she hates tuesdays. 

but it should be quick and easy.

hopefully its always easy.

its funny how i call these days easy. when, years ago, i would have thought them nightmares. i see people float through life without knowing the difference. that's okay.

i consider us the lucky ones.