this life.

talking to a friend today, after being neurotic, i told her "this life is hard, sometimes."

she reminded me that its hard most of the time.

i forget that our life is different, usually. then some days it hits me.

last night, ej took miller and reese home from the dance studio so i could take aidan and sawyer (and corbs came) to shoot an ad for some back to school minis that i am doing. i was driving home through the neighborhood and saw a guy with his daughter on a bike and asked myself "oh i wonder if that's ej and reese?"

what? 

i don't even know why i would think that. of course its not.

a few weeks ago, we let reese "walk", by herself, incorrectly for a couple of weeks. it was a stupid thing to do, but i was so proud. i took video, i shared it with some friends. but all it did was send us backward with PT. i told ej, "no, we have to boot her more". what was happening was that she was compensating her bad leg with her good leg. trying to balance. and all that did was make the good leg not do what it was supposed to do. so we booted it again (AFO boot) and went on vaca. she didnt have much time for walking on vaca bc we had a stroller or whatever, all of the time. or people carried her around. we got home and i immediately booted.

then i took the boot off and her knee was weak again. this is our fault. she learned the wrong way, was corrected by the boot, relied on the boot, now has to learn, again, how to do it correctly. she is shaky. like she is re-learning.

after talking to (and harassing. im sorry. lol) some friends who are PTs/OTs, they assured me its all normal.

but for 24 hours, i have barely eaten. barely slept. cried a good amount of the day. mainly bc i thought "omg what if it was the tumor..."

i only think things like that because of her "bad arm" - and let me say, "bad arm" is doing so so good. she opens her hand so well and was so proud to show her OT that on tuesday afternoon. and the OT was proud of her as well.

when i am sad and distracted, i literally do nothing all day. there are 3 loads of clean clothes sitting in the living room because i just... can't. i have things to do. editing to do. i need to clean. go to the store. and i just couldn't.

i sat on my hands trying not to call the doctors who would inevitably ask me questions that i already knew had good answers: she feels fine, is acting fine (awesome, actually), doesn't hurt, eating great (probably too much lol), sleeping normal...

i want to feel like i did last week. like i did in destin. what's so nice about the week with lighthouse is that it gives me a "home base". it reminds me of the feelings of hope and faith. feelings i want to get back to when i am anxious. i am reminded that worrying does not one single thing to help our lives. not one. and im reminded that God loves us. and reese. and will protect her.

i have always been given the knowledge and instinct on when to push things. and i have been given signs of "now. now is the time." so i need to trust that God will continue to guide us.  we have been given people, doctors, friends, prayer warriors, in this life - that have helped us along the way.

i hear about little girls who were fine just a few weeks ago - who are now going on their "last vacation" before she is on hospice. i read things on pages and need to remind myself that that is not my child.

this life is hard, sometimes. and today is one of those days that i will pray for peace and drink some wine while reese and aidan are up cuddling and watching a movie in reese's room. normal things for normal sisters.

(and yes, foxy is now home. IG: punkfictionv4)